I'm gonna have a badass scar
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
