Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
