Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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