Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
