Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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