I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
