i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Randomize
