Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
