so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
