I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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