i'm signing you up for texting rehab
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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