I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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