Your dad touched me again.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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