I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
