just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
