I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
