I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
