I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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