I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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