one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
