I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
