Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
