I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
