We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
