Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
