just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
