My nipple is on Facebook.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
