In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
