did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
