You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
