sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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