Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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