Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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