Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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