First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
