I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Just pee around me
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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