the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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