I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
