I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
