I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
