I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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