People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Blood and glitter go together right?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
