I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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