There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
