i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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