so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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