i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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