I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Randomize
