I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
