Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
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